Passport Update: Part Two

A short update, because I need a space to process.

I remember waiting in anticipation for Eisley to be born. Each day approaching her birthday was filled with a mixture of excitement, wonder, curiosity, and discomfort (because I was a whale and she was eight days late). I am disappointed that right now my feelings mainly rotate between apologetic (for not having answers for people), guilt (about work), frustration, and sadness. Then, I feel bad (more guilt) for feeling all these negative feelings, and not focusing on the delight ahead of us, and loop right back to apologetic again. It's a fun ride I've put myself on. 

My backfill at work has been selected for when my leave of absence begins (and I am genuinely excited for her), so naturally the  "is it time yet?" questions have increased. I am trying to be polite and patient with my "I don't know. I'll let you know when I know!" responses. Lately, my patience is waning. Or, maybe it's just that my emotional capacity is limited and less flexible right now. I fully understand the need to know and curiosity. I wish we could liken this to pregnancy, where the timing and expectations are familiar, and the experience is shared, and typically neat and tidy and comfortable. This just isn't like that. That's not to say that people haven't been kind and gracious and understanding. Each of you has been. 

Ultimately, we don't really have any updates. However, I thought I'd jot down the pain we've been feeling the last few weeks to share some of the limbo we've been living in.

1/15: As shared recently, we learned on this day that K's passport needed to be signed off by the creche's director, G, in-person. She was out of the country, and expected to be back in Haiti the following week.  This was a new, unexpected requirement, and for an unclear reason.

1/25: I reached out to ask if G had been able to sign-off on the passport yet. She had not, and would not travel to do this until the following week--a bit of a "lost" week, in our eyes. This delay was likely because another family needs her signature for their daughter's passport as well, so she probably planned to do both at once. We are thrilled for them, as we "know" them in the adoption community, but selfishly sighed at the delay. We also learned that the kids have to be taken on the trip to the immigration office, which makes the trip a bit more complex (and, I would guess, hard on the kids). 

1/28: G took the girls down to complete the sign-off, but "the system was down", so she could not complete the requirement. A wasted trip.

1/31: There is new confusion between our agency, representation, and immigration office; they are asking for a random document. No one seems to know what it is or why it's being requested. We don't know when this will be resolved.

To add to this, we also learned two weeks ago that K has a rash and infection on her leg. She is going to be fine, as far as we understand, but there is nothing that kicks me into mama bear mode faster and harder than my child being sick (or hurt or sad). Not being able to get a real-time update on her healing, and not being able to snuggle her and comfort her is nearly killing me. 

Additional Ambiguity

When we were first informed about this passport step, our agency hoped our passport would be printed by end of January-early February. They believed we might move quickly to Visa after that (the final stage). Well...now is the end of January, and the passport completion is not in sight.
Instead, we're starting to get the sense from others in the community that this might be the beginning of the passport phase, which is thoroughly confusing, and creates an even more fuzzy sense of how far out we are from being able to pick-up K.

We have been acutely aware throughout this process that things go sideways all the time, and there is "no normal". I am just so sad and frustrated that we are SO CLOSE, but obstacles continue to present themselves like mean and stinky whack-a-moles, and we haven't been equipped with a mallet. I know that we are through the longest part of the process, and the worst is behind us (it has to be, right?). I know that there is joy and wonder and our beautiful daughter ahead of us. I know that someday we'll look back at this period of time and wince, but feel less of this pain. But, while I know these things in my head, my heart can't quite catch up, and I just want to hug my littlest girl. 

For now, I'll squeeze Eisley tighter and keep carving out a space for self care: spending time at the gym, plugging into a favorite podcast (Reply All!), praying for peace and patience, and taking deep breaths. A lot of deep breaths. And wine. 

Passport Update

Oh, friends. We're close to bringing our little girl home, but still not quite there yet. 
I keep thinking my next update to our blog will be "the big one", but it just hasn't happened yet.

Catching Up

Back on 12/14/18, we received an update that K's file had moved to "MOI" (Ministry of Interior). This is where all of our paperwork is double-checked before our dossier is submitted to have a passport printed (essentially another layer of immigration sign-off in Haiti). This was apparently after it had proceeded through MOE and MOFA. So many "MO's". I don't fully understand all that happens in each of these stages, or even how long we were in each. But, the fact that all of our paperwork has gotten through each gate is worth celebrating. 

When they sent us our receipt notice for MOI, our agency told us that after getting through this step, we'd be in line for her passport, then her visa, and then we'd be able to bring her home.  Our agency's best guess (this has been their guess for many months) is that we were looking at "end of January" as the best estimate to when we would be able to travel and bring K home. But, as December ticked by quietly, trickling into mid-January, we have felt this estimate slip farther away. 

Over the last few years, whenever we've taken a vacation or a short trip away from home, we've nearly always received an adoption update of some kind while away. I was recently lucky enough to take a brief sunny vacation with some of my best old girlfriends (old as in "we've known each other since elementary/middle school", not old as in number of rotations around the sun). We spent time together, lounged, and did essentially nothing. It was pretty dang close to my idea of heaven (food, books, sun, friends), but I still found myself checking my phone, looking for that little email icon indicating "the big update" from our agency. Nothin'. I'll admit that on the flight home I felt overwhelmed and sad, and I just kept thinking, "I'm flying to the wrong place. This should be going to Haiti." 

Most Recent Update

Today, we received an email from our agency titled "Passport Update". My heart rate rocketed and my stomach jumped into my throat as I opened it. (Did yours do that to, when you saw the title of this blog post? Just being a little cheeky, I suppose, and sharing in the experience.)
Sadly, the update is not "the big one". K's passport is nearly ready, but the Haitian entities have determined that our power of attorney in Haiti (our creche's director, G) must sign in-person. This is unexpected, atypical, and unexplained. To make things more frustrating, G is out of the country until next week. This means that the passport will sit and wait for her to arrive back in Haiti and make the trip to the sign it. Once this is completed, the passport will be delivered to the Embassy, where it will be finalized, and her visa will be issued thereafter. We were told this usually takes "just a few days", but all of the "typically" and "usually" language we've heard over the last few years has proven inaccurate for our family, so please, don't hold your breath.

So...When? And then what?

Many friends (and even more co-workers) have asked how much notice we'll be given to book our travel, and when we'll know. This is yet another "shrug!" response. Some families travel when their passport is at the Embassy with the hope/assumption that the visa will be completed while they're in-country, and the timing will line up for when they plan to fly home. However, if the passport or visa is held up at the Embassy, this could backfire. We can't afford to travel open-ended to Haiti, so we'll likely wait to hear that her visa is complete before we book our flights to pick her up. Once we get there, we'll stay in-country (either at the creche, somewhere else on the island, or a combination of the two) for about a week before we are able to travel home. 

I've never really considered leaving the workforce, or being a stay-at-home parent. I love my job. It is a part of my identity. I find purpose in what I do, work with a kick-ass bunch of people, and am so grateful for the opportunities I've been given and the growth I've achieved in my million years in this corporate life. An mid-management career in HR with a mega-corporation is certainly not the path I ever thought I would take, but it has been rich and rewarding. 

However, I recently had the joy of spending some time with a good mama friend who has taken a break from working outside of the home to raise her littles, and it has given me a thrilling glimpse into what being home during my leave (~9 months) might be like. I am just so ready to pour myself into it all.
Admittedly, it is strange to feel as though I've reached a point in my life where I'm eager (and scared) to dedicate my soul to raising our girls for awhile. To wake up with a focus on bonding, teaching, learning, and breathing. (I'm not saying I'm planning to leave my job; I'm not!) I'm just over this wait. Tired of the lack of answers and clarity. Exhausted at being patient. 

I'm certain we still have a lot to learn ahead of us. I'm positive we're about to board a roller coaster that may feel a bit like having a newborn again (which was very hard for me), and a bit like nothing we've ever experienced before.  There will certainly be challenges ahead of us, but delights too. Let's just dive into it: the mess and the joy of it all.