Our Bonding Trip: Connecting with K

Bonjou zanmi!

When we began this adoption journey, over two years ago, we very quickly saw a theme emerge in our training, reading, and conversations: bonding and attachment with an adopted child, particularly a child coming from difficult places, who has experienced trauma, who has spent significant time in an institutional setting, is hard. This is actually a supreme understatement, which deserves its own post/series/lifelong discussion. However, I note this here briefly because as we prepared to finally meet our little girl, the feelings we experienced were so different from the feelings I remember having with Eisley. 

When I was nearing the end of my pregnancy with Eisley, I recall feeling nervous and excited about her arrival. I remember worrying about the birth process and nursing and getting her home safely in her car seat. I completely took for granted the fact that she would come out, lay upon my chest, and gaze deeply into my eyes and soul; an immediate and visceral connection. From then on, I've rarely had to worry about her feelings of security and connection. She is a child who gives and receives love with joy and abundance. 

On our way to meet K, I was incredibly excited to be so close to holding her in my arms. I knew I wanted to soak up every moment with her that I possibly could, so that we had something to hold onto while we waited for her to come home. In tandem, I also felt overrun with so many other emotions that I struggled with sorting them all out. I was nervous that she wouldn't look like the picture we'd seen (I have no idea why). I was fearful that she would reject and despise us. I was anxious that it would be obvious to everyone around us that we were not her parents, and we had no business being there. It is painful for me to write these thoughts down now, and I feel ashamed. These are not the feelings you should be having when meeting your new child! 

As shared in my last post, it took a few days for K to feel comfortable around us. She would cry when I picked her up, desperately looking around for her trusted nannies. When I was able to soothe her enough to be settled in my arms, she would then buck at me if I tried to make any changes. If I was sitting when she finally calmed, how dare I stand up! If she was content with me holding her while we stood overlooking the play field, she would have a fit if I tried to carry her down onto the field near her friends. Over the first few days of this, I felt embarrassed at being unable to calm her (even though I knew that this was normal for our brand-new relationship!). A few days into our stay, G, the female director of the creche came to visit. 

Now, as a separate note, we noticed that when visitors such as the directors or social worker arrived, things very quickly snapped into routine.The nannies and nurses have an incredibly taxing job, caring for so many children. However, it wasn't uncommon for the kids to sit in their nursery table for long periods of time, or sit on the play field without any toys during the afternoon play hours. We carved out our niche here, and jumped in to lend a hand with keeping the kids active and engaged. With the help of the other couples, we began bringing books and toys out to the kids. It was incredible to see the kids flourish and begin to learn to play and share with each other.

When G heard that we were feeling challenged with our initial connection with K, she said she'd come visit and talk with K, and "give her blessing". She and K have always had a special connection, and K is her little princess. We later learned why, but I'll save that for another day. When G arrived at the creche, Justin and I were sitting with K in the sunshine, having just settled her. I was remiss to move, because I knew she'd get upset again if I did. K watched G approach, and G held out her arms for K to come to her. In the first few days, as soon as a nanny held out their arms to K, she leaped away from me and went to them. This happened enough that I burst into tears one afternoon, feeling exhausted and frustrated. This day, though, K balked, whined, and leaned back into me; she chose not to go to G. I was surprised and not quite sure how to react. G smiled and nodded. "She is already bonding with you." 

While we know that attachment and bonding will take time, deliberate thought, and patience, I felt such a sense of relief hearing this said aloud, particularly from someone so close to K. We know that there is no quick way to start the attachment and bonding process, and no promise that it will happen in a specific order or timeline. Nonetheless, I tucked this moment into my heart, and it honestly helped me through some of the other challenges we faced. 

G talked with the three of us for a little while, and then we all traipsed down to the play field to play with all of the kids, who were overjoyed to see her. G is an incredible woman with amazing stories and experiences. I grew to look up to her over our time in country, and seeing her in her element, loving on these kids, still warms my heart in ways I cannot describe. Carrying K, as we got closer to the field, I held my breath, waiting for her to get upset at the change. She let me walk down the steps, but when I went to sit down near her friends (with her still in my arms!), she threw a fit. I quickly tried to stand up, talking with her, to calm her, but she continued to cry and squirm. G picked up on this immediately and came over, talking to K and gently scolding her for the tantrum. She turned to J and I and laughed about her toddler behavior. K eventually calmed and while she continued to pout, she warmed up to playing with blocks, even sitting on her own (while still checking back in with me every so often). In other words, she was fine. 

As the days went on, we learned that this was just a facet of K's personality: she is in fact a normal two-year old who wants to exercise control over her situation, and if she isn't getting her way, she has a tantrum! It was amazing that this felt like a revelation to us, but for some reason it took G's reminder to help us let go of some of our anxiety about connecting with K. These behaviors were (are) part of the bonding process. K began to express her emotions further with us; joy and silliness, envy and possessiveness (often over food and my attention). K was allowing us in, testing and exploring boundaries. I've never been more excited to experience toddler mood swings!

I'd love to say that the rest of our time was all sunshine and rainbows, but of course that is not reality. During our two weeks with her, I am proud of the strides we made connecting, and am so grateful, as I know that not every family has this experience. We carved out a routine with her each day, and were amazed to watch her learn how to paint, methodically feed herself, and play. She clicked more with me, though, than with Justin. It was not unexpected that she would favor one of us (if either of us), and we noticed quickly that there are very few men around the orphanage, making him even more foreign to K. This was very hard on him. 

Looking ahead, it is going to be a strange experience for K (understatement of a lifetime) to leave the creche and learn to be a part of a family. Can you even imagine how scary and foreign this would be? Stepping onto an airplane, when the only place you've been outside of your orphanage were sporadic hospital visits? Being shown your own bedroom, when all you've ever known was a communal space? Getting all-day access to a pantry and fridge full of new foods, when you've only ever been served a limited array of foods in a small dish? These are a mere few things that will be new and exciting and overwhelming for K, and we ask that you practice patience with us as we help K work through new experiences and the feelings that will come with them. This will take space, and time, and understanding. 

I know that we have a lot of work to do when K comes home, to build and bolster our relationships. I also know that it is very possible we'll have to start from the beginning with her when we see her again. And that is okay, because I have known the spark and love inside of her, our little girl.