Six Months Home

This week, Kattiana has been home for six months. Half of a year. In some ways, it feels like a blink of an eye, and in other ways, I can hardly remember life before our littlest sissy was home. 

Eisley started kindergarten last week. If you ask her how it's going, she will loudly exclaim her excitement about it. However, the transition has been harder than we expected, and every drop off has been drawn-out and tearful. Kattiana, of course, has been along for the ride, going with me each day to drop off and pick up Eisley. From day one, she has told me repeatedly and emphatically that she wants to go to school: "Mama, you drop me! Mama, I 'garden too."  

I had grand plans for K to ease slowly into preschool in late October, beginning with just a few hours a day. Despite her excitement, I was concerned that she didn't realize that I would not be there with her. There would be new routines to learn, new rules to follow. New friends, new teachers, new new new.

But, as she has continued to plead to go to school, we decided to start her a bit earlier. So, yesterday, she confidently marched into her class, pushed her way between friends to get a place at the sand table, and got to work (er, play). As I left, I was teary and emotional, and she barely made time to say goodbye. My big girl. Two hours later, when I came to pick her up, and she screamed and cried that she didn't want to leave. 

Writing this now, I am misty-eyed thinking about it. This vignette is a prime example of her bold approach to life. Her resilience and bravery continue to astound me. 

Highlights for Kattiana from the last couple of months include:

• Joining her first dance class. If you don't find joy in watching two and three year olds run and dance, you clearly don't have a heart.
• Taking swim lessons with Eisley. It was an incredible challenge for both girls, and they faced new fears like champs. 
• Our first mini-vacation as a family. We road tripped down to Portland to spend the weekend with two of our most favorite friends. The trip included backyard chickens, a lot of delicious food, and playing in the sunshine. Overall, both girls were fantastic, and it's eased my fears about taking a family vacation. 

My time off of work is winding down, with just a few months to go. The last six months have been a complex and often comic parade, traversing as a newly formed family of four through ups and downs and winding turns. I reflected recently, not as a complaint, but as a realization, that I don't feel like we've had a sense of stability for quite some time. Saying this aloud, it seems incredibly obvious. But, somehow, I underestimated how many things would feel like change, and how every new transition would impact all four members of our family so differently. And, that together all of these varying experiences would add up to yet another tangled shared experience. 
I've not been my best self during much of this new journey, and I'm working hard to take deep breaths, allow myself time for self care, and to remember to pause and express gratitude for the beauty by which we are surrounded. 
We're coming out of a season of incredibly fast (and thus, often painful) growth and into a season of building new family routines and regularity together. I couldn't be more proud of my girls, and more appreciative of the support of my partner through all of this.

And now, on to the good stuff! 

Fashion and personality.

Bunk beds at our rented house in PDX, Eisley's dream.

An impromptu trip to the zoo!

Working on shapes, colors, and manipulatives.

K's first outdoor concert: Caspar Babypants. It was a dance party!

Our beautiful littlest girl (in a very old family heirloom).

Careful coloring. I love watching her brain at work.

Chasse away, my love.

Singing a favorite lullaby in the car to their stuffies.

"Working out" with me. She doesn't know yet that burpees suck.

I mean, she'll eat pretty much anything once. She'd already tasted a lemon, and despite the fact that I told her the lime would also be very sour, she had to decide by herself. 

Four Months Home

Last time I posted, it had been two months since Kattiana has been home. I blinked, and we've reached month four. I think we've jammed 12 months worth of growth, experiences, activities, and challenges into those two months. 

Justin returned to work a month ago, and I'll be honest, it has been difficult for me. Stay at home parenting is not for the faint of heart, and while I knew it was not my calling to do full-time/forever with Eisley during her infancy, I find it to be even more challenging in some ways with a busy toddler. I have been working to carve out a routine for K and I, and I'm incredibly grateful for the family activities offered around the city.  Through these activities, and playing together at home, we've seen tremendous growth in K over the short time she's been settling in, and every day is truly a wonder. I thought it might be fun to share some of those observations here!

Play

• Story Time
  K and I have begun attending story time at our local libraries one or two times a week, and I've seen amazing growth in her ability to focus, listen, and join in on a group activity. The kid's librarian at one of the local branches does a particularly great job programming the half hour full of fun and education. We go over a letter of the day, sing fun and recognizable songs, and read three books centered around the theme of the day. K has begun to sit down and pay attention (at least for a minute at a time), and participates heartily in the singing and dancing. Unfortunately, the attendance is not very diverse, so I'm exploring options outside of our community as well.
• Play Time/School Practice
  After a lot of research, we've landed on a preschool that we'd like K to attend when I return to work in the Winter (we're wait-listed), and serendipitously, I discovered that they have a  free 2-hour playtime twice a week. Here, she is able to play with myriad toys and other kids in a classroom-like atmosphere, listen to a story, and share in a small snack. It's a bit exhausting, to be honest, as it often means spending an hour discussing why it's important to take turns playing with the baby stroller, counting how many more minutes until it's time to give another kid a chance to play with the the baby stroller, and then calming her as she follows the other kid playing with said baby stroller around the room moaning that it's her turn. But, it's been great practice in playing kindly with others and trying new toys. (Seriously, though, this place has every type of toy and activity, and she hones in on ONE for pretty much the whole day. Ah well.)
• Legos and puzzles
  As Kattiana has continued to parrot everything Eisley does, she has begun to enjoy a couple of E's favorites: legos and puzzles. Through this, her dexterity has improved so much, and I'm so proud to see her persist at finding the right place for the letters, numbers, or jigsaw pieces she's playing with. If you know E, you know that she can whip out a puzzle in minutes flat, and we really enjoy them as a family, so it's thrilling that this is something K is getting into too, and the girls even occasionally do them together.
• Colors and lettersK has recently begun to nail her colors, and proudly points to various items and shout their color. (She also really likes to tell me when the stoplights are red or green and yell for me to GO NOW! even when the light is not green. Impatience must run in the family?)
  She is also starting to recognize some letters, which was unexpected and exciting. It started with the letter E, and everywhere we went, she would spot an "E" on a sign or picture and holler "E FOR EISLEY!" Now, she is also hunting for "K for mine!" (and sadly, beginning to realize the the vowel E is found much more easily than the consonant K). She hasn't had much interest  in the handwriting department yet, but we know that recognizing letters is the start of this. She also loves to paint and color for longer stretches of time, holding the brush and crayons correctly, which will be the building blocks of writing in the future.
  
  These little spikes of growth have been so much fun to witness and foster, and we think this may be a sign that our attachment and bonding is continuing to strengthen. In learning about attachment, we knew that her brain wouldn't even be ready to open up to learning until she had begun to settle comfortably into a place of safety, with a comfortable foundation to build from. She is a wonder!

Music 

• Music has continued to be a big source of entertainment and happiness for K, and she has an uncanny memory for lyrics and tunes. When she hears a song she likes she hollers "What is that music?!" until I confirm the artist and song title. Then, she'll affirm her appreciation with "Ooh, this one good one". She also requests songs constantly throughout the day, usually by reciting a line or singing a few lyrics. Common requests these days: "Ooh ah ooh ah?" (Ed Sheeran: Shape of You); "Bom de dom?" (Lizzo: Truth Hurts); "Whoruntduhworldgirls?" (Beyonce: Who Run the World - Girls); "Bad Guy!" (Billie Eilish: Bad Guy). She also loves Heart, Sleater Kinney, and Joan Jett. Perhaps not the most kid-friendly array of music, but she's got good taste.
  
  

Personality

• K has never met a dog she doesn't like and immediately launches herself at them with her hand outstretched, asking "pet gentle??" She is still full of energy, busy, and highly social, and loves being out and about and adores playing with other kids. Over the last couple of months, we've really seen Kattiana's agency/independence, kindness, and humor flourish. "I can do myself, mama.", she emphatically tells me, as she pulls her shoes onto the wrong feet (eh, whatevs), or pours her own cereal, the bowl overflowing onto the counter. Adorably, she'll also be helpful and grab my protein bar and put it in my purse before we leave the house, telling me it's "mama snack for later". She is often doing a silly dance and making funny sounds in her car seat, or tossing around made-up words with Eisley and bursting into giggles. When she's annoyed with one of us, she'll look us dead in the eye and say "you not funny". This only makes us laugh, which of course fuels her annoyance.

Language

• Kattiana's English is continuing to come along, slowly and methodically. Her comprehension is still outpacing her verbal skills, but we feel good about her progress. After discussing it with her doctor, we may still seek a speech evaluation through the school district in the coming months, because we've gotten the impression that her Kreyol was not strong to begin with, but she is learning and progressing, if even in minute ways. 
• We've begun to hear K use full sentences for ordinary daily interactions - hooray! ("Poppy upstairs now?" "Mama, snack now please?" "Oh! Phone ringing! Answer!") Recently she's begun pretending to converse with us, sometimes out of the blue, and sometimes to "join" conversations already in progress. At top speed and high volume, she strings together words and phrases she knows. For example: "I'M GUNNEE GYMNASTICS, AND DEN HEATING, AND DEN *garbled gibberish*, SO SOCCER GIRL SPIT ARM, SO MOMMY WATER BE RIGHT BACK". It's pretty much the cutest thing you've ever seen, particularly how proud she is to be taking part.
• She is a big repeater. I think this is good for her language development, but it can be a bit crazy-making. At a friend's house recently, I accidentally put my foot into a small ant nest, and before I knew it, my foot was engulfed in tiny (harmless) ants. I tried my best to remain calm, kicked off my shoes and bolted for the house to take off my socks and pants and dance around like a maniac while knocking them off of me. K thoroughly appreciated my hilarious performance, and since then has constantly repeated the phrase "Mama, feet, ants, AH!", followed by peals of giggles.
• She *might* also have a fondness for repeating some of the, ehem, more crude words that, ehem, sometimes slip out of my mouth. This is a trait that Eisley didn't really pick up, so I'm learning to temper my language a bit more (face-palm).

Sleep

• SHE IS NAPPING! Like, almost every day, for an hour to 90 minutes, and some days she tells me she is tired and ready to lay down. If you've been reading along since Kattiana came home, you might recall that we have had a lot of challenges around sleep. We had so much difficulty with getting her calm and down for a nap in her first two months home, that I honestly thought she just wouldn't nap. But, as life has begun to settle into a rhythm, we have been able to more easily incorporate this into a daily routine, and it is wonderful. It feels a bit nostalgic, as I again center our days around being home in time to lay her down in the afternoon. I am incredibly grateful to get just a bit of time to myself in the afternoon to refresh, do some writing or adulting, or even watch some TV. And nothing beats the sweet snuggles when she wakes up refreshed and happy. Getting her to sleep at night is still a long process, but we'll take the wins where we can get them!

Pictures and Videos!

I caught K "reading" aloud to herself from one of her favorite books: Brown Bear, Brown Bear

Celebrating Eisley's 5th birthday! 

Demonstrating her independence

Painting with sister

A trip to the children's museum in Olympia

More painting time

First time puddle jumping! (in the middle of summer. because we've broken the earth.)

I call this the "McKayla Maroney is not impressed face" (Google it). But, apparently this is the face I make when I'm trying to gently deliver disappointing news to the girls.

Practicing holding scissors

Reading in Sissy's bed

At Alki Beach, walking into the ocean for the first time. She was tentative at first, and then couldn't get enough of it. Sometimes I forget that there are still so many "firsts" for K to experience! 

Two Months Home

Somehow, over two months has already passed since Kattiana came home. In some moments, it seems like she has only been here for a short period. Other times, it feels as though she has been squealing and running circles around the backyard for years.

Our world is filled with dualities. Days move quickly and oh so slowly. The sweet moments are often balanced with challenges. It is love and joy and difficulty and sorrow. I have never felt more emotionally and mentally challenged, and it is an honor to parent these two girls.

I've been trying to periodically jot down notes and observations of this time of growth in an attempt to remember these fleeting moments, but my exhaustion often gets the better of my writing time. Here's what I've got, for now!

• Kattiana has grown nearly two inches in height, three pounds, and about one and a half shoe sizes in her short time home. This is incredible growth, and we can see her testing and progressing in her growing body daily. It's a joy to watch. She loves physical activities, particularly the swings, something that E has just now begun to enjoy. She loves running around the local gymnastics center: hanging on the rings, running down the trampoline lane, somersaulting like a boss, and leaping into the foam pit. It was a fortuitous discovery that the gym has an hour of very affordable free play time every week, and it's the best activity for her unending energy.
• Language is coming along, slowly. Her comprehension has greatly improved, particularly for our routine conversations and questions. Almost daily we'll notice that she's dropped a Kreyol word and replaced it with an English word or phrase. She goes through spurts of parroting (with a fondness for copying Eisley), and it's garbled, adorable, and encouraging.
  Favorite English phrases as of late: 
• I'LLBERIGHTBACK (Said loudly and in one rush of breath before she runs off to "do something" and then quickly returns, giggling.)
• I'm gunnee.... (Translates to "I'm gonna....", followed by what she wants to do/eat/have next.)
• Mama, I hungry. You hungry? (Yes, always.) 
• NO BAHKING DUBBY. (She polices the dogs for barking, regularly.)
• And then there's a litany of "almost" words that she's figuring out how to use correctly. It's adorable. Examples include: motocycle! (recycle); eggoort (yogurt); twode (meaning two: two, as in English for two, and de, as in Kreyol for two).

Things shes loves:

• Her sister. When I take Eisley to school in the morning, and then return home without her, Kattiana cries with sadness. When it's time for E to be picked up, she cheers for joy and hovers near the back door to wait for her to arrive. She follows her everywhere (much to Eisley's dismay, some days) and copies her every move and word. It's adorable and exhausting.
  
• The dogs. I am grateful at how quickly she's grown to adore Dublin and Poppy. She regularly looks for them around the house, asks for them if she cannot find them, loves to feed them and let them in and out of the back door, and will stop what she's doing to give them a quick pet before sprinting on to her next thing.

• Music. Turning on a song she loves will genuinely hold her interest (something rare these days, due to her boundless energy), and her shoulder shimmy and hand waving dance moves give me the giggles. She's figured out where the various speakers are in the house, and will point to the speakers and ask for music immediately each morning.
  
• Dolls and stuffies, the water table, kinetic sand, and playdough. She's shown mild interest in Legos and imaginative toys like the play kitchen, and is just starting to get into coloring and drawing a bit more (she moves too much to sit still and do this for any amount of time). Recently, we noticed that she's begun to play imaginatively with her dolls, feeding and talking to them. It is incredible to watch her brain begin to expand as she experiments and tries new things. We limit screen time for the girls to one or two shows on the weekends only, but she asks about Doc McStuffins and the Octonauts daily. She is also starting to enjoy books, and will regularly ask for a few, which delights me. "Mama... Brown Bear?" (Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See) "Mama, where Oops?" (Blue Hat, Green Hat) "Where Bumblebee?" (My First Book of Girl Power, a DC book, where her favorite superhero, Bumblebee is found) "Kattiana Hair?" (I Love My Hair).
  
• Figuring things out on her own. She likes to point to objects and name the colors, most times with mixed results. When she suddenly goes quiet, I sometimes find her working hard to put on her shoes by herself because she has decided she is definitely going to the park. The other day, I watched her drag her step stool from the bathroom into her room. I wasn't sure what she was doing, so paused to watch quietly in the hallway. She very carefully positioned the stool inside her bedroom door, reached up, and flipped the light switches on and off. She looked up at me and grinned, shining with pride.
  
• Being around others. Multiple times daily, she asks if we can go to the park, ride in the car, or go to the store (something we haven't done often with her, due to the high sensory input). When we're on a walk together, she loves to wave and say hello to people that pass by. She is also very interested in others' emotions, particularly when someone is upset or crying. When Eisley is upset, she'll sometimes have what I lovingly refer to as an empathy fit, where she expresses her concern (and need for attention) through big emotions. In public, when she hears a child crying, she'll abruptly stop what she's doing and look at me with worried eyes, pointing and "awwing" until I reassure her that their adult is with them, and they'll be okay.
  
  Other musings:
  
  
• Nap time has been an exercise in extreme patience. For a couple of weeks, we attempted to use her bedtime routine to get her to sleep mid-day, with mixed results. When that became increasingly fruitless, we began to try "quiet time" instead (reading on the bed, with a visual timer set), but it revved her up even more. Then, we pulled back entirely, and thought perhaps, sadly, she just isn't going to nap. Except, it is so apparent that her brain and body need rest. On the days she falls asleep in the carrier or the car, she is clearly refreshed and rejuvenated upon waking. This is still a journey for us, Some days wearing her in the carrier and swaying works, one day rocking in the chair sort of worked, but mostly, nothing is really working all of the time. Night time has improved, fortunately, and we have established a calm routine that typically gets her to bed within an hour. She is such a whirlwind, and she is often singing and rolling around, energy at full blast, and I can't imagine when she'll ever sleep. Then, I briefly look away, and when I look back, she's conked out.
  
  
• Sibling relationships are hard, ya'll. I mean, we "knew"  that the transition would be challenging for both Eisley and Kattiana, and don't get me wrong, the sweet moments are heart-bursting: jumping on the bed together, putting on their ballet shoes (Eisley: soft pink slippers, Kattiana: fuzzy R2D2 slippers) and dancing to the Nutcracker in the living room, swinging together at the park and hollering about who can touch the sky first. But on some days, these beautiful moments are nearly equally measured against difficult ones. In respect for their privacy, I won't share much more detail on here, but Justin and I are learning a lot about how to best help both of the girls through this time of transition. 

Getting to Know K

Somehow, it's been over two weeks since Kattiana has been home. We are in a bit of a haze, and I've been trying to stay on top of  capturing observations about our lovely littlest lady, in fits and starts. I want to keep writing, but will be working to strike a careful balance between introducing you to our love and maintaining privacy of her and our family.  Bear with me as I figure that out. 

We've been cocooning at home with her since she came home (for some great understanding on this, watch this and read this), with the goal of keeping her world small. This allows us to focus on our bonding and attachment, by being the only people who meet her every need, as well as introduce her to new experiences and people slowly. Knowing her in the safe environment of our home/neighborhood will also help us better recognize when she's too overwhelmed outside of the house, and slow things down again.  

These two weeks have been equal parts amazing and hard. Kattiana is a very busy toddler, and both Justin and I can quickly feel stir crazy when at home all day. We are so grateful for the early spring sunshine these last weeks, as she wants to be outside ALL. THE. TIME. Our backyard and the small alley behind our house has been a perfect haven for her (and Eisley and the dogs) to play, run, and squeal. We are also incredibly fortunate to have three parks within walking distance in our neighborhood, and we've made a daily routine of trekking to one, if not all of them. Justin and I have tried to find times each day where one or both of us can separately leave the house, for some alone time, aka self care. This has mostly consisted of going to the gym, taking Eisley to/from school, and going to the grocery store, but I had coffee with a friend this week and I kind of felt like a real adult again! 

We are also working to build in special one-on-one time with Eisley. I took her for girl time and ice cream last week (a real treat, if you know our family) and Justin took her to Starbucks and played a board game with her this week.  Remember, her world has been completely changed, too!  

Vulnerably, I will admit I miss the comfort and familiarity of the routine we had. It's difficult to describe. I joked with a friend this week that it doesn't feel like we have two kids; it's more like 1+1=12. This in no way means I regret where we are now, or am not thoroughly enjoying the sweet moments. But, bringing a new person  into any family shakes things up, and I think we're experiencing some grief of the loss of this past.

Although still cocooning, we have taken Kattiana on a few short trips away from the house (social security office, doctor, a park farther away, and recently the store). The first car ride was very difficult for her, but she's gotten a bit more comfortable and calm each time, and our short forays have been pretty successful! It's tempting to keep our lives busy and full, but we are actively working to keep things simple and not overdo it too quickly. It would be very hard to go backwards in this special phase, and ideally, this time builds a safe foundation and structure for her future!

Without further adieu, here are some observations of our first couple of weeks together.

• Kattiana is vibrant. She is always moving and curious. Where Eisley is able to become absorbed in and focused on a task, activity, or game for long periods of time, Kattiana is all over the place. She's truly a busy toddler! She's also a tiny little bug: 25th percentile for weight, and .27 for height. You read that right; not even 1st percentile for height yet!
• The exception to her short attention span is anything that involves playing with water. She LOVES it. This means baths have been a joy! Justin set-up a makeshift water table outside with a few different sized containers and utensils, and it's incredible to sit back and watch her explore. Pour, scoop, stir, repeat. 
• She's a bit clumsy right now. I imagine this could be because she's moving around so much more now than she has in the past, is probably growing by the minute, and, well, she's a small child. Sadly, she's fallen down hard enough that she bit through her lip (twice)!
• Technically, the first English word she purposefully said was on our flight home. She pointed to the in-flight menu and asked "Mama, ki jon li rile?" (Mama, what is this called?) "Sandwich", I replied. "SAM-WICH!" she shouted back, joyfully. In that moment, I knew she was my daughter. (Okay, in all of the moments for the last few years I knew that, but this felt like a real clincher, y'all.)
• At home, our Kreyol/English has been very much toddler level, but we are getting by. We are doing our best to speak to her in Kreyol, and then follow-up directly in English. As is helpful for most small children, conversing in short, clear, sometimes repetitive sentences is key, and our weak Kreyol is holding up to this so far. She is repeating English very well, when prompted, but not really using it on her own yet.  We're narrating our every day in English for her, and a few days ago, she seems to have figured out what tree means, and gleefully points out every tree she sees and hollers "TREE!" She seems to have begun understanding and responding to some of our basic English questions or directions, likely due to the routine we are working to build into our lives, and we are hopeful that once her English improves, things will become even easier for her.
• She might be ambidextrous? She doesn't favor her right or left hand for eating, coloring, or playing; it'll be interesting to see how this shakes out!
• She has grown to tolerate, if not downright appreciate, the dogs. The first few days, we kept them away, and she was very scared. We knew that her exposure to dogs in Haiti was minimal, and a loud pug and giant doodle were definitely not going to be welcome roommates right away (if ever?). Then, around day three, she began calling Dubby, patting him, and scolding him when he barked at the air. Now, she'll pet Poppy, and overall doesn't seem to notice them unless they're lurking around her food.  Hooray!
• She loves to eat. We anticipated food security challenges and we'll continue to help her gain trust in the knowledge that she has access to enough food whenever she needs it, but this will take time. Right now, when we begin cooking, she'll get a bit upset that the food wasn't immediately available for her to eat, even if she had been helping us prep. She has been particularly angry at the oven and microwave: it probably looks like we get out tasty food for her, and then the depths of the oven/microwave ate it instead! She also gets upset if someone is eating something different from her. The tantrums around these two particular things has slowed down a bit, as we've found ways to help her calm, including giving small snacks while preparing the meal.
• Sleep has been hard. This is where I'm personally struggling the most, and I've honestly had some stressful flashbacks to Eisley's infancy, when we were incredibly sleep-deprived and barely functioning. We know that the sleep habits in the creche were poor, and planned to have Kattiana in our room in her own bed there for as long as it takes. She sleeps alright during nap and mostly through the night, but getting her to calm her body and mind and to actually fall asleep takes anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and a half (typically about an hour), and is typically begun with a long period of crying and wailing. It took until just a few days ago for her to let Justin even try, so I'm grateful that now he and I are able to trade off helping her get to sleep. We are continuing to tweak and adjust are routine, to figure out what is best for her. Once she is calm and snuggled into my arms, though, I am in one of my truly happiest places.
• She is eager to help. When done with meals, Eisley's job is to put her dishes away in the dishwasher or sink, and Kattiana immediately began emulating her in this, throwing away things when asked, even putting toys away (well, sometimes. every once in awhile. kind of. like any kid). She's excited to help pick out her clothes and shoes, and is helpful in trying to put some of the articles on her body on her own.
• She also has shown so much compassion. When I have stubbed my toe or said "ouch!" she has paused, looked at me with concern, and patted me gently. When she combs my hair (a common activity in our house, now), and I flinch at her tugs on a particularly wicked snarl, she'll stop, look me in the eyes, and murmur "pa kriye mama" ("Don't cry, mama"). It's pretty incredible and sensitive. 
• She and Eisley are playing together pretty phenomenally, so far, particularly for two very different and passionate girls. Eisley takes her role as big sister very seriously, and has been so kind and patient (sometimes attempting to mother her, which is another story). Kattiana has also taken the role of little sister seriously. Emulatingt Risley, takingher clothes and shoes, you name it, hah! While Eisley she was at Nana's yesterday, Kattiana asked us twice where sister was. Heart melting. 

Home at Last

We did it, ya'll. Our little love, Kattiana, is finally home. She and I arrived back in Seattle the evening of Thursday, March 21, 2019. We've been tucked away at home since then, deep into the warm folds of bonding and attaching as a family of four, and I'll share more about our new day-to-day as we settle in further. But first, I wanted to document the last stage, share what the pick-up trip was like, and of course add a few pictures and videos. (Skip to the end for this; apologies for this novel.)





















 Our Decision to Travel

Kattiana's Visa was printed pretty quickly (on March 6th), meaning she could officially leave Haiti and come home to the U.S. However, the U.S. Travel Advisory still had not come down from the Level 4 "Do Not Travel", which put us in a difficult situation. Wait for who knows how long until the Travel Advisory comes down, or take the risk and travel, knowing that if unrest kicked up again, it may be extremely challenging to leave the country? Our agency sternly cautioned us, telling us that it was likely that no one would come and rescue us if something went wrong, and that they did not recommend travel. Justin and I spent a long, fretful weekend discussing it and talking to parents who had recently traveled or who were in the country, hearing many great perspectives and advice. I am so grateful for how honest, kind, and thoughtful so many strangers were to us.

We mostly heard that things were tense but "fine" for the time being. We knew this could change in an instant, but my fear was that if conditions did disintegrate, we would never be able to get there. We also knew that there was an American volunteer, Sue, staying at the creche, and it gave me comfort, knowing there was someone else there. 
Technically, you're required to be in-country for one week, but we asked the creche if we could shorten our trip, and they were willing to trim it down to 4 days/3 nights.  
We decided that we would go, and go quickly.

At this point, Justin and I decided to "divide and conquer": I would travel to Haiti solo to pick up Kattiana, and Justin would stay back in the U.S. to take care of Eisley and the dogs. This way, if anything were to occur in Haiti that would cause a delay in coming home, only one of us would be stuck, lessening the impact on Eisley. This decision did not come lightly, and to be frank, it kind of terrified me. Not because I felt like I'd be unsafe in Haiti, but because the idea of doing all of it on my own was daunting. 
We checked on my life insurance, booked three one-way flights, and bought travel insurance.

Monday: Arriving in Haiti

My flights to Haiti were uneventful. When I deplaned, I looked for the gruff porter who we hire to help expedite us through immigration, pick up our luggage, and guide us to our driver. I was relieved to quickly spot him, but then saw that he was holding a sign with someone else's name - it seemed that no one was there to help me. Great start. I sucked it up, got in the long immigration line, and settled in for a wait. Twenty minutes in, I realized I needed to first pay the passport fee (a different line, of course), hustled over to do this, and then went to the end of the immigration line to start over. Sigh. A few minutes later I spotted the porter again holding a sign, but this time it had my name on it! He pulled me out of line and helped me get through the rest of the steps quickly. The drive through Port-au-Prince, Petionville, and up the mountain to the creche was long and slower than normal.

I knew that once I arrived at the creche to pick up Kattiana, she would be fully in my care, eating with me, and sleeping in my room. This made sense, since she has legally become our child, but this meant she was expected to immediately transition from everything she has ever known to all new experiences, without any real preparation. It's a lot to ask of a little one. 

When I got up to the classroom where the kids were, Kattiana actually smiled and walked to me, allowing me to hug and hold her. I was so grateful that Sue (and Idette, another volunteer who arrived later!) captured precious pictures of this moment, and many others during our time together. 

We slowly transitioned to our room, and Kattiana closed off, wary of me. It took time, but she began to warm up as I pulled out trinkets, toys, and snacks from my bag. 
That evening we shared dinner at the director's home with Sue, where she is staying, and Kattiana put away more spaghetti, vegetables, and cake than I thought was humanly possible. This kid knows how to eat, and while I recognize she's lived with food scarcity for much of her life, I was glad to see her willing to try new foods and snacks. It was really special seeing her make choices throughout the week, deciding what she did and did not want to eat on her plate, taking her time and savoring treats. These are things she's never had the luxury of doing before.

Tuesday: Visa, Passport, Exit Letter, and First Father 

We woke very early Tuesday morning to drive back down to Port-au-Prince for our Visa appointment at the Embassy. The drive would typically only be about an hour, but it took well over two hours, as the driver picked up and dropped off others along the way. Kattiana was not thrilled to be in the car (and got carsick, poor thing), and I held her tightly (no car seats) on the bumpy ride down. We had an appointment for 8:00, right when the Embassy opened, and moved through the line and security quickly. It had been recommended that I bring snacks, toys, and extra clothes for K, but we weren't allowed to actually bring anything but our passport and ID inside, not even our phone.  

When we got into the waiting room, I was quickly called to a window and told K's items would be ready shortly. About ten minutes later they called me up again, and told me they were missing a signature from an Embassy employee on one of the pieces of paperwork. (YEP! COOL!) They said he was in a meeting, we'd need to wait for him, but they didn't know how long it would be. (DOUBLE COOL!) We all sat silently and stared at each other. Finally, about an hour later, I was called back up and handed a packet of K's passport and visa, certificate of Hague adoption, and sealed packet for immigration into the U.S. The guy who gave it to me tried to chat with me about my connection to Haiti, gave Kattiana a lollipop, and overall seemed very pleased with himself to get to deliver these life-changing pieces of paperwork to me. I was exhausted and just wanted to take them and go, and didn't have patience for his saviorism.

Next, we drove to the creche's head office to pick up Kattiana's exit letter, which is required to pass through immigration in the Haitian airport. (Note: "letter" is a total misnomer, it's a whole packet of documents.) We had been told it might be possible to meet Kattiana's birth dad here, and due to the unrest and short trip, I had assumed it was no longer on the table. However, while at the office, he did arrive! Kattiana was scared, I was emotional, and he seemed patient with me. For her privacy, I won't share the details of our conversation, but I am eternally grateful we were given the opportunity to meet him, capture pictures, and ask a few questions. I was able to convey to him that it was an honor to raise his daughter, and offered to share pictures and updates through the creche as she grows up. This experience and the information he shared will be so key for K as she gets older. So many adoptees don't have this opportunity, and I can hardly express how special it was to me.

Wednesday: Bon Voyage  

One of the traditions of picking up your child from the creche is for the parent(s) to throw a farewell party, including a cake, treats, decorations, and fun. We knew that there was a bakery in Petionville where a cake could be purchased, but in planning for the trip, I wasn't sure if it would be reasonable to ask for this to be picked up, so I decided to bake at the director's house. To plan for this, I packed two baking pans, boxes of cake mix, frosting and toppings, oil, and applesauce (as I wasn't sure I'd have access to eggs). I also packed supplies for a party mix, lemonade mix, balloons, streamers, and other decor. It was a lot, and a large part of why my checked luggage was over 70 pounds! The head of the orphanage checked in with me on Tuesday and told me I hadn't brought enough, and estimated that I should pay $100 for a cake from the bakery and more treats. I held firm and said this was what I would be able to provide, and she was annoyed, but it turned out to be just enough, and the kids were thrilled.

Kattiana and I baked and decorated the cakes together with Sue on Tuesday night. High-altitude baking in an oven with no real temperature gauge -- a first for me! I cannot express how thankful I am that K and I were able to spend time with Sue and Idette this week; they were kind, compassionate, and patient. We were able to share meals and a lot of laughter together, and I don't think I could have made it through this solo trip without them. 
Baking with Kattiana was hilarious; she did not understand why I would want to mix up this giant bowl of tasty batter, and then not eat it! I handed her the spatula to lick (a time old tradition), and made the mistake of turning away for a moment. When I turned back, she had plunged the spatula into the bowl and scooped up a giant mouthful batter. Needless to say, she likes chocolate. 

The party was a complex experience. I dressed us both in simple "party" dresses, to celebrate the occasion, and Kattiana ran around squealing in delight at first. The head nurse got the party going by leading everyone in songs and dances, and it was beautiful and special. K was mostly happy, but began to turn inward a bit as the focus turned to her, and the kids and nannies sang her adieu. I can only begin to imagine what she was feeling. Despite the challenges that growing up in an institutionalized environment causes, such as the lack of felt safety and connection in a familial environment, this is all K has ever known. These are her people, and leaving them will be leaving her world.

Thursday: Departure and Homecoming

We rose very early Thursday morning to travel to the airport. The drive back down felt similar to Tuesday: multiple starts and stops, another carsick Kattiana, and a supremely stressed out mom. I didn't realize it until I fell into Justin's arms Thursday night that my stomach had been clenched into a perpetual knot for the entire trip to Haiti. At the airport, our favorite porter helped expedite my check-in with the airline and guide me through security and immigration. I don't think I could have done this without him, as I lugged two bags, a backpack, and Kattiana along. Passing through immigration was quick and easy, which was amusing, as multiple adoptive parents had told me this part of the process was mildly disconcerting. I knew I'd have to hand off both of our passports and our exit letter here, and had been warned that they would vanish with these documents for an unknown amount of time, without any explanation. Instead, I had to remind the immigration officer that he needed her exit letter. He took it without looking at it and literally tossed it aside on his desk. I guess this is just another point of proof that nothing in this process is predictable.

Our flights were scheduled for PAP to NYC, and then NYC to SEA. I had brought two small airplane toys to the creche, to play with them and talked about our flights with Kattiana, in the hopes of this giving her some kind of insight into the craziness ahead of her. When we got to the PAP airport, I situated us by the window so that we could watch the planes take off, in the hopes that this would also give her some comfort. To my delight, she was overjoyed, standing on her chair and pressing her face against the window, shouting "AVYON! VOLE!" (Airplane! Fly!) Once we boarded, she was upset about the seatbelts (again, remember, all new things to her) but once we got going, she did amazingly well. I doled out a steady stream of snacks, stickers, and small toys that she'd not yet seen. She wouldn't wear the soft headphones I brought, so TV was not a distraction I could employ, and I was exhausted by the time we landed. Her only true meltdown was as soon as we landed, and this was because she had to pee. I'd dressed her in a diaper for the flight, fearing she couldn't hold it, but she refused to use it (good on you, girl!) so I stuck her in the front pack, and lumbered down the halls as fast as I could. Moving through the U.S. customs process was fairly smooth, and they took their documentation, stamped her visa, and welcomed us home.

This is when things went downhill. My phone indicated I had 40 minutes until our next flight, meaning I had to very quickly re-check the bag, get us through security again, get food for us, and find our gate. I immediately got lost in the airport, and Kattiana was wailing in the front pack I was carrying her in, hungry and overstimulated. I was near tears, and a kind man stopped and helped get me pointed back in the right direction. Then I saw the security line and knew we would never make it in time. I joined the queue and tried to fight back more tears. Another kind human noticed me, told me that anyone with a child should always go first, and pulled me into the front of the line. I have never been more thankful for observant and compassionate people. We got through security, rushed to grab food, and found our gate with about 15 minutes to spare. Here, I realized that something was wrong with the clock on my phone. It was an hour ahead. We had an hour and fifteen minutes to spare. Geez louise. 

Fortunately, this gave us time to eat, stretch our legs (aka, Kattiana taking off down the middle of the airport, squealing in delight at being free), and watch the planes take off some more. I was nervous about the length of this flight, and knew she desperately needed a nap. Once we got on the plane, we taxied for 45 minutes, which was just the right amount of time for her to have a complete screaming meltdown, clawing to get the seatbelt off and into my lap. By the way, don't I get a certificate for officially joining the "parent with the screaming kid on the airplane" club? Our seatmate was a calm older gentleman named Dave who told me his hearing was poor, so he didn't notice it much (God bless you, Dave). As soon as we were in the air, I clicked her seatbelt open and she literally laid right down into my lap and fell asleep. Poor bug. Her nap gave me enough time to sit quietly (and watch a movie!) When she woke up, I deployed the snack/toy/snack/toy routine again, and she quickly learned the "I'm going to throw this on the ground to make you pick it up" game, which was really fun for me. We also played the "let's go pee every 14 minutes" game, now that she is taking in more water than she ever has before. I wish I could have captured her reaction to the flush toilet on the plane. She insisted on pressing the button, and jumped out of her little skin, eyes wide, and then burst into the loudest laughter her little lungs could muster. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen, and she was so enamored with it that she pressed it again. She has also totally fallen in love with all faucets, and washing her hands has become one of her new favorite pastimes! 

The rest of the flight was okay, and when we landed, Dave turned and told me that he'd had a difficult week with his ailing parents, and sitting with us was a joy and an honor. I burst into tears and told him that he had no idea how grateful I was with his patience,  briefly explaining how difficult the last few days had been for us. The humanity I experienced on this trip has filled me up immeasurably.

Getting through Seatac to meet Justin and Eisley at baggage claim felt a bit like a homecoming scene in a movie. Eisley was literally running around with joy, Justin and I were a hot mess of emotion, and Kattiana was overwhelmed. Somehow, we made it home and to bed, and our new life as a family of four officially began. 

The last few days have been a blur of love and fatigue and firsts, for all of us. I am still catching myself marveling at the fact that she is here. She is running around, squealing, jabbering away, playing, testing, yelling at the dogs, checking in, not sleeping, and sparkling, truly sparkling.

A Few Pictures

Seeing each other again for the first time

A sweet moment of calm together

 

Enjoying her ramen

 

Baking cakes and cooking together

 

Sharing her snack with friends, completely of her own volition

 Walking outside of the creche. As you can see, she really loves this carrier* (*sarcasm)

Ready for the party

Friends and nannies singing farewell to Kattiana at her bon voyage party 

Watching the planes

Orevwa, Ayiti.

 

 

Home sweet home