Dossier Registered in Haiti

In July, I talked about the waiting phase our dossier had entered. 

A quick recap, if you don't want to go back and read that post again: 

• Dossier was sent to Haiti on 6/20/16.
• We are told to expect it to take at least couple of months to be officially registered with IBESR. My brain says: "Oh, okay. 6/20 + 2 months = 8/20. (Mind you, there is no chance that this exact science works. This is just me trying to make sense of the nonsensical.)
• We also learn that work at IBESR slows to a snail's pace in August, due to vacations. My brain sighs, and recalculates: "6/20 + 2 months (-August) = 9/20".
• We vow to be patient.

July passed without a word, as expected. August inched by and I scoured blogs and Facebook groups for any reports of movement at IBESR. August closed without any news. I realized that I should stop holding my breath. September began. 

Okay, bear with me for a second while I take a quick detour. It is connected, I promise:

This last weekend, I was the Director of a camp I have volunteered at for about 12 years. For privacy reasons, I'll omit specific details, but suffice it to say that I think of our camp community as my other family. Here are kind and thoughtful people who face unique challenges every day, and do so with courage and grace. Many of the camp families have also adopted (most of them many times), and I am grateful to get to see these children and families grow, both through pain and through joy.

I was feeling pretty low before camp. A lot happening at work, stress about planning for camp, exhaustion due to E being sick, etc. I found myself slipping into some sad days thinking about our as-of-yet-unknown Haitian daughter. Missing her. 

As it usually does, camp filled me again. I was reminded to take stock of what is precious in life and give thanks for all that I have. I witnessed these beautiful and diverse families being--well--families! Unfettered. I have much to learn from them. 

I promise that we're getting close to bringing this tangent back around to connect to the start of the post. 

This year, I learned that one of the girls (who has been to camp for years) is Haitian. This had never come up before in conversation! In the last moments of camp, I also learned that the Executive Director of the camp grounds has a Haitian son. Again; I knew he had a blended family, with adopted children, but had no idea one of his children was from Haiti. As a Christian, I can't help but recognize that these slow revealings are a purposeful part of His plans (you know, the one that I can't control). And you better believe that I'll be holding onto these connections tightly, to learn from and lean upon. 

Of course, though, this brought my mind back to our dossier. Where was it? Was it buried in a stack of paperwork, not yet visible? Was it sitting front and center on someone's desk, next in line for review? Were we going to receive word that one of our documents was not acceptable, sending us off on a chase to correct it (and translate/notarize/authenticate it)? The lack of visibility into these processes is so frustrating. I essentially help identify, create, and implement process improvements for a living. I know that there could be a way to make this process automated, transparent, and efficient. Alas, that is not my place here. 

So, here we are, on 9/6/16, a day after returning from camp. I can't stop thinking about the adoption. 

This morning, as part of my usual routine, I pulled up my email and saw a note from our caseworker. She just received word that our dossier was registered in Haiti on 8/8/16! A MONTH AGO! I instantly teared up (erm, might be again now) and texted Justin to make sure he'd seen the news. The timing is just incredible, and we are overjoyed that one more hurdle has been passed. 

So, what's next? 

You probably know the answer. Say it with me now: more waiting. Since 8/8, we have been eligible to receive a referral--to be matched with our child.

When we started this process, last November, we were told it could take a long time for a match, but waits vary greatly. That is still the case. Many families I've seen have waited 18-24 months for their referral. As I've said before, it's challenging to find "like" families of to compare. We are essentially part of the I800 "guinea pig" group. There have been murmurs of a new matching process coming soon, and with this comes the hope that it may speed up. Who knows. In some countries, matches occur faster for children of certain ages (typically older) or children with medical or special needs. It is hard to see any discernible pattern of this occurring in Haiti, as of yet. We will just need to wait and see.

Thank you for your prayers, your encouragement, and your thoughts. Please, keep it coming.

Love and hugs

A Brief Non-Update Update

Quite a few of you have (kindly) checked in to see if anything has changed recently, so I thought I'd take a moment to add a short update to the blog. As the title states, it's essentially a non-update. In a nutshell, we are just waiting.

On June 20th, our dossier was officially sent to Haiti, essentially closing the chapter of our paper-chasing and gathering, the period of work that we had control over. We are now waiting for the dossier to be legalized in Haiti, and then handed over to IBESR. The loose estimate for this to occur is within "a couple of months", but as I've mentioned before, there is no true average length of time that we can expect for any stages of the adoption. Add to this the knowledge that the work unofficially  slows down or stops in the IBESR offices in August, as it's traditionally a vacation month, and you'll now understand why you haven't heard much from me in awhile.  
We're in a period of time (which may last for months or years) in which we have no control over proceedings, and that is so very hard for me. My patience is in a constant state of flux, oh that fickle creature.

Once our dossier is registered with IBESR, we are essentially in line for a referral. Technically, this means that we could receive the call that our daughter has been identified at any time. Realistically, it'll likely be anywhere from a few months to a year for this coveted day to arrive. 

I am a part of a few adoption-related forums and Facebook community pages, and have recently seen a flurry of movement for both I-600 and I-800 families (we are I-800; I-600 was the process in place before Haiti joined the Hague Convention in April 2014). This gives me hope, and I am overcome with joy to see these families unite and begin to move forward with their lives together.  

In the back of my mind, two competing thoughts swing back and forth on a pendulum of expectation. 
One: Remember, Jordan, there is no "normal" in this world of adoption. A trend of referrals and placements now is no guarantee for the same tomorrow or the next day. The only true norm is waiting.
Two: But, couldn't we be the exception? Couldn't we get a quick referral, experience a perfect bonding trip, and fly through the post-bonding adoption stages and bring her home in record time?  Maybe. But in all likelihood, probably not. 

Most days this suspension in time is fine. I am deliberately focused on soaking up every second with my little family of three; delighting in Eisley's growth and personality everyday, experiencing and enjoying life in the moment. 
But some days, a sadness sneaks up on me and snags my heart. In those moments, I miss our second daughter terribly, though we've yet to be introduced to her, and she doesn't yet know we are awaiting her. I pray for her health and well-being, and for that of those taking care of her. I pray for this waiting period to get a move on, so we can meet her. 

That's all for now. Love and hugs.

The Dossier, part 2

As I mentioned in part one of our dossier saga, when we began collecting the necessary items to complete our dossier, our agency provided us with a few resources to help us along—a packet really. This included three versions of a checklist, each laid out a bit differently, depending on how you prefer to organize. (I’m telling you, it’s like these people know me!) On top of that, the woman who runs the Haiti program spent time talking us through the process on two different occasions. 
I tell you this to highlight how complex creating the dossier can be, due to the multiple steps that must be done in just the right way. And although I feel confident that I followed the checklists to the letter, there is still a distinct possibility that something will not be quite to the liking of IBESR, we’ll receive notice of a mistake, and we'll need to scramble to re-order, re-translate, re-certify, and re-submit something.

But, I digress.

Picking back up from the last post, I’ll briefly outline the steps that are required to finalize a Haiti dossier. This process varies greatly from country to country.

Note: as a clarifying caveat, not all of the items gathered require these steps, but about 85% of them did.

Notarization

We had notarization completed by a multitude of people—the bank, a very kind partner at work, the police department, workers at the agency. These did not come at extra cost to us (one of the few steps in which we can say that).

For this, we received a fancy stamp and signature.

Secretary of State (SOS) verification of said notarizations, also sometimes referred to as Apostille

This step meant we had to send documents to the office of the Secretary of State in which the notary is authorized, for another level of approval. There is a per document fee. We were held up by about a week in this process because I forgot that one of our referral letters was notarized in OR, and sent it with everything else to the WA SOS office. Fortunately, a very kind lady at the WA office called me to inform me of the mistake, and even included instructions for the OR SOS process when she returned all of the documents. Bless her; she didn’t need to call or include these steps for us!

For this, we received a fancy cover sheet with a shiny gold seal and the SOS’ signature.

Translation of documents, including notarization and SOS verification

Our agency provided us a few names of people who translate official documents as a side-job, for a nominal price. We had been forewarned that because this was not their full-time job, it could take some time to be completed. By the grace of God, one of the women had something come up, and told the agency that she was open to receive translation work en masse for a short time. I quickly reached out to her and she finished our translations in a matter of a week and a half, for a decent bulk fee. We did this entirely over email, which made me just a bit uncomfortable, sine I was sending copies of highly personal documents a stranger that I'll never meet.
She was incredibly kind and patient as I sent her batches of documents, and then sent her the SOS cover sheets for translation. I sent her a thank you card when we were done, because her part of the process was undoubtedly the smoothest and least stressful for me.

Department of State and Haitian consulate verification-the last step  

Here we reach the most nerve-racking part of the dossier. While we did send all of the original documents to the SOS, I felt (perhaps with delusion) that it was just a few cities away, and that this meant there was less chance of the paperwork being displaced or damaged. Once we’d arrived at this step, it struck me that we had spent months with these documents, and now we had to relinquish them into no-mans-land (aka the United States government).  Oh, and of course there is a pretty hefty per document fee associated with this.

We were given a few options for getting our documents to these two agencies in DC.

1.  Send them ourselves—mailing the packet first to the Dept. of State, waiting for them to come back home, and then mailing them back to the Haitian consulate, and waiting for them to come back home. The longest, most stressful option.

2.  Deliver them by hand to each office, in DC.
We could do this (uh, if we were in DC, which we clearly are not); we could ask people we might know in DC (family, friends, etc.); or we could hire someone.
We opted for the latter option, which to us felt most secure, and hired a courier service that handles this type of work regularly. I will admit, I was picturing Joseph Gordon Levitt as a bike courier (a la Premium Rush), and that may have added to my sense of security. We mailed off our documents, a bunch of money, and a pre-paid return envelope and essentially held our breath for two weeks.  The couriers literally walked our documents into the Dept. of State office, returned to pick them up when they were done, walked them down to the consulate, and picked them up to mail back home to us when this was completed.  This is how our government works, people.

For this, we received from a fancy cover sheet on each document from the DOS, complete with old-timey language like “To all to whom these presents shall come, Greetings” (I couldn’t make that up), and John Kerry’s signature (by way of Matthew, the Assistant Authentication Officer).

From the Haitian consulate, we received a third and final fancy cover sheet on each document, written in French Creole, and affixed with a long red ribbon and a large gold seal sticker. Again, not even kidding. It’s like we won first place! First place in what? Who knows.

So, what’s next?

Our dossier arrived in Haiti the week of June 20^th. At this time, we’re waiting for it to formally accepted by IBESR, which could take a month or two. Then, we wait for an official referral, which is when IBESR lets us know that they believe they’ve found our match--our daughter. It’s very difficult to know how long until this time: it could be a few months; it could be 9 months, or a year. I am part of a Haiti adoption group online, which has about 1,700 members, and only a handful of I800A families on that page have received referrals, as the country continues to close out adoptions under the old I600 process, before Haiti joined the Hague convention. 

Please join us in praying for speed and accuracy into the next steps ahead of us, on this journey (or sending good vibes, or whatever suits your fancy. Anything is appreciated my friends!) 

The Dossier

Over the last month, we've been incrementally checking things off of our last list, and I am overjoyed to share that we have closed out an integral stage in the process: our dossier is done. 

The paperwork has been chased. The authorizing stamps, gold seals, and red ribbons have been gathered (not even kidding). Pictures of us in our "natural habitat" have been collated. All of this has been put together into one, organized dossier, and on Monday, off to IBESR it will go.
IBESR is the Institut du Bien Etre Social et de Reserches, the central adoption authority in Haiti, and you'll see this acronym quite a bit, going forward.

My birthday is tomorrow, and this is one of the best gifts I could have asked for (aside from, you know, receiving the referral for our daughter or bringing her home. Alas, patience is the name of the game now) 

The creation of our dossier was the last big stage that Justin and I had responsibility over. I share that, because while this has been a slow, laborious, and stressful process for us to complete, at least we had an element of control over this work. Now that the dossier is out of our hands, we will need to trust (and pray, a lot) that everyone else is doing their job for us, as efficiently as possible. 

So, what is a dossier? 

A dossier is essentially a collection of specific documents that represent all aspects of our life. Some of the documents are a duplicate of what we gathered for our social worker to write up our home study, but the dossier requires even more documents and nearly all of the them must go through multiple levels of verification.

A snapshot of the documents required:

• Formal letters of intent (from us) and recommendation (from our agency)
• Power of Attorneys (for key players in Haiti to act on our behalf in country, when the adoption finalization draws near)
• Medical sign-off (complete physicals, including blood work)
• Police report (via Seattle PD)
• Psychological evaluation (more detail below)
• Letters of reference from non-family members
• Employment verification (Thank goodness I work in HR. This was the easiest one!)
• Bank attestation and copies of multiple tax returns 
• An official copy of our final home study report
• I800-A approval (more detail below)
• Birth and marriage certificates
• Copies of IDs (drivers license, passport)
• Pictures galore (The three of us at home! The three of us in various environments, to show that we do things! Separate pictures of each of us! With friends, to show we have them! I felt like we were gathering stock pictures for a cheesy catalog.)

Gathering some of these documents was more straightforward than others. Our agency provided us with a handful of tools to stay organized, and you better believe that I have a couple of well-worn and well-loved charts and check-off lists completed now.

Once the documents are gathered, they require notarization; verification by the Secretary of State (in the state in which they were notarized); translation into Haitian; verification by the Department of State in DC and the Haitian Consulate in DC. This was a fascinating stage of work, which I'll put into the next post. For now, I will share just a few of the challenges we faced along the document gathering process: 

Medical sign-offs

All but a few of the documents listed above require notarization (and additional levels of verification), including our medical forms. However, the logistics of having a medical document notarized when a doctor signs it is challenging. Yes, we could hire a traveling notary, but because the document required blood work, which takes a few days to be processed, there isn't really a way to have a doctor call the traveling notary to say "Oh hey, I'm ready to sign these medical forms now, want to come on by?"  So, our agency helped us to notarize official "copies" of the medical forms. Not ideal, and could be something that IBESR doesn't like either.

Then there was the debacle of my doctor's appointment. I took the day off of work, because the available appointment was at 11 AM, and I had to fast for the blood draw. I received a message at 9:30 from the doctor's office stating that my doctor was out sick, so my appointment has been cancelled. If I'd like to reschedule, I can call. Needless to say, I was hungry and LIVID. Doctor's can't call out sick! After calling and explaining my predicament, the receptionist took pity on me and searched until she found a doctor in a clinic not too far away that could squeeze me in that afternoon. The doctor was very kind, efficient, and even cracked jokes with me. He thought I needed a full physical, (like, you know, of the lady variety) and when I quickly said "Oh, no, not that today!" (Because that is not the kind of appointment you just mosey into, on a whim) he replied "Oh, good, because I was not planning on one of those today." Also, when I confirmed I was not a smoker, he confirmed he'd be happy to help with that, and prescribe a patch that I could use to slowly wean myself onto the habit. Hilarious. 

Psych eval letter

This was probably the most frustrating process of all, because it delayed the completion of our dossier by at least two weeks. Two precious weeks.

IBESR requires a basic evaluation of Justin and I, to ensure that we are prepared/"sound" enough to adopt. Our agency provided us with a few contacts that may be able to complete this for us: counselors and psychologists. We chose a counselor that works in a couple of locations in the area, as she specializes in areas of trauma, including adoption. She was also familiar with the letter we needed written, and charged a really reasonable fee. 

She didn't seem to answer voicemails, and responded to our emails very slowly, but this was manageable, as we had plenty of lead time, and other items were in various stages of completion. We finally secured an appointment with her (which she moved once), filled out a questionnaire about ourselves, and completed an interview at her office. To be honest, it was pretty awkward--we were only intended to meet with her once, and she needed to learn enough about us in that time to feel confident that she could write about our stability and our ability to parent and adopted child. The questions were innocuous (family history, relationship history, parenting experience, etc.), but probing. Come on lady, buy me a drink first?

After the appointment, she confirmed she'd have our letter done in just over a week. Sparing the detailed timeline, it took over a month, with me checking in multiple times throughout. In the end, she provided what we needed, and we didn't want to burn the bridge with her, because she may very well be a resource that we need to tap into for post-adoption support.

I-800A
Officially, this is the Application for the Determination of Suitability to Adopt a Hague Convention Child. We complete this for the USCIS (United States Citizenship and Immigration Services) to determine our government's opinion of our eligibility to adopt. We filled out (yet another) form, provided a copy of our homestudy, and sent it off. A couple of weeks later, we received a letter in the mail confirming that it had been received. Yep, a letter, just saying "Hey, we got this, thanks. This letter means nothing official, and your I-800A hasn't been approved yet."
Another week or so later, and we received four letters: two for Justin, and two for myself, duplicates of themselves, stating that we had an appointment for biometrics upcoming. BIometrics is just a fancy word for fingerprints. The appointment date and time were not convenient, but to reschedule, we'd have to mail the letter back informing that we could not attend the appointment. They would then pick a new date and time and mail that back to us. We would not get a choice of the new appointment.  And no, none of this can be done online or over the phone. So, we moved our schedules around, and made the appointment work.

The appointment was at the Department of Homeland Security in Tukwila, and was an amusing experience. We arrived early, and found that we were required to pay to park in the lot attached to the building. Uhh, okay. Then, after passing through security, we wound our way into a large waiting area and sat down to await our appointment time. We noticed that there was a stack of forms along the wall, and after watching other people, decided we must need to fill one out. There were no instructions to be found, and no pens. We watched a few people again and found that there was a jar of #2 pencils that we were expected to use for the form. Yep, an official form, completed in pencil. We got in line, handed off the forms, and were directed to yet another waiting area. The room was large and quiet (save for Madagascar 2 playing on a cordoned-off TV), and half of the room was blocked with a rope. There were not enough chairs on our side of the room, but plenty of chairs on the roped off side of the room. No one was allowed to sit on the roped off side of the room. Sure, makes sense.
Finally, we were called to have our prints completed, which was fast and painless. (The woman who did mine actually shared that they have metrics on how fast they get people through the process, and aren't really supposed to talk, lest it slow them down. She also asked if my first name was really Jordan, "Isn't that a guy's name?")

Fortunately, our I-800A approval letter arrived in the mail only 12 days later, which is apparently pretty fast. This means that the US is okay with us pursuing our international adoption; wahoo!

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In the end, I'm grateful for the stories we've gathered along the way. This work has taught us much about the workings of the government, tested our patience, and has given us a greater appreciation and connection to those who have completed this process before. And while I will not experience the physical pains of pregnancy and labor with this for my second daughter, I now understand why many refer to this as a "paper pregnancy". Right now, this is our labor of love. 

Up next: I'll complete my thoughts around the dossier saga, including the process of translation and verification, and share what's next in the process!

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I awoke to Eisley trotting into our bedroom hollering "Hi mama! Hi mama! Book?!" She shoved the large book she was lugging onto the bed, grappled up onto the sheets with me, and anxiously awaited for me to begin turning the pages for her. As I started reading, she sighed sweetly and settled into me. My heart could just burst.

At risk of repeating myself, becoming a mom has been the most challenging and most rewarding job I've ever taken on. I've been required to draw on reserves of energy, patience, and silliness that I didn't even know I had. I have ached with joy and ached with worry. Since I learned I was pregnant over 2.5 years ago, my priorities (and I mean every priority) have drastically changed, and I can hardly recall how I made decisions or planned my days before E.  I wake up each morning looking forward to exploring with her and making her laugh. And I am so grateful that we have a day set aside to recognize the value of moms (and dads, next month!)

In the midst of all of the kindness and joy bestowed upon me yesterday, my thoughts kept drifting to another mom; the mother of our second child.

In all reality, we may not know much about our child’s birth mom, or learn her birth story. We may not know if she was sick or well, or the struggles she carried in life, or the full circumstances that led to her child’s arrival in the crèche. We may not know what her extended family looks like or the ancestral traditions they would want to pass down.  We won’t know the nicknames she gave her child, or if she liked to kiss the soft soles of her feet to make her giggle.  There is so much we will not know.

What we do know is that this woman carried our daughter for many months. She felt the joy of her kicks, and the pain of her labor, and bore the greatest gift that could be given. She has left an indelible impact on our lives, and in this we are forever tied. So while I don't know this mom, and may not ever meet her, I will celebrate her.

I pray that the circumstances under which this woman’s child becomes ours are not as painful as I fear they might be. I hope that she knows that I will love her daughter as fiercely as I love Eisley. And most of all, I hope she knows that I am honored to do so. 

The F-Word (No, not that one!)

The last few weeks have been especially busy--Justin has begun to settle into his new job, I've been in the crux of a project at work with a tight and looming deadline, and Eisley has been working hard on sprouting teeth and singing faintly recognizable songs in a high-pitched gibberish. 
In the meantime, we've just been chipping away at completing our dossier, and we're nearly at the point where it will be submitted to Haiti, which means we will be that much closer to being matched to our child. 

But, you're probably wondering about the slightly salacious title of this post. Forgive me for the mild clickbait. It's honestly not a topic I'm fond of bringing up, and I promise it will not be something we focus on in every post (you may notice I've not mentioned it at all yet). I'm stalling to avoid the word, but, here it is: fundraising. 
I'm not one who likes to ask for things, let alone for money, so this makes me feel more than a little uncomfortable. So, thanks for hanging with me.

We know that this journey we chose can be consuming and challenging, both emotionally and financially.
We also know that it takes a village to raise any child. A village chock full of resources: wisdom, spirituality, humor, monetary... We are already blessed to be part of a pretty awesome village. 

With that being said, many people have asked us about costs of adoption--how much? why?  I'll attempt to answer those questions below, but to be transparent, I also wanted to take a moment to share a couple of avenues that we are opening up to try and raise funds to help us cover some of the immediate costs. 

The main tool we created is a YouCaring crowdfunding page (you'll see a new widget on the right side of the blog that links to this, too). All of the funds donated there go directly to our adoption; the site doesn't withhold any fees.  We also have a few other plans in mind, starting with a pretty cool t-shirt drive via Chrome Buffalo that will run from May 1-10.
We know that not everyone can offer funds, so please know that supportive thoughts, words, and prayers are invaluable to us.

So, what's up with the cost?

I'll admit I still feel frustrated when I look at our list of impending costs, which may sum to upwards of $30,000. My heart says "We just want to bring our child home, and yet we have to jump through so many logistical hoops and pay so much money...why must this be so difficult?" It's not hard to imagine that the financial impact deters many away from adoption who would be amazing parents and families. 

In my previous post on our choice to seek International Adoption, I touched on some of the thoughts Justin and I have around the costs of this process--how we've been planning, the support available through work, the IRS tax credit, etc. We know that we don't have to pay all of the costs up front, or all at once, which allows us to space the impact out a bit, over the course of the process.
I'll also add that since day one I have been praying over the impact of adoption to our finances. In the past two weeks, these prayers have been answered in ways we never could have imagined--great blessings that buoyed my spirits. Then, this week, we received a bill for about 1/3 of the potential overall cost, and I'll admit, my heart sank. We knew that these costs were coming eventually, but this was just a stark moment that shouted, Hey, back to reality, you two! This is some heavy adulting going on right here!

What are the fees?

• Fees to the agency:  In general, our agency doesn't really make much money for the services they provide. Similar to many social service jobs, those working at our agency appear to work very hard for something they are passionate about, but which does not earn them a high salary. Costs here go toward things such as our application, our homestudy, and all the work that goes into working with USCIS and IBESR (in Haiti).
• Fees associated with the homestudy/dossier preparation: This includes fingerprinting, a police clearance, a therapist evaluation, translation of all documents into Haitian Creole, and having all documents authenticated by WA state, the Dept of State, and the Haitian consulate in DC.
• Fees to the US and Haiti: This covers items such as our I-800A application to adopt from a Hague convention country, Haitian government charges, funding given directly to support our child's creche, and obtaining a US Visa and passport.
• Travel fees: We'll take two trips to Haiti. The first is a socialization trip where we will spend time with our daughter for about two weeks. Then, we fly back home without her, and wait for our case to wind its way through the courts and be finalized, which can take time (often months). Once this is complete, we travel again, spend about a week in Haiti, and finally bring her home. 
• Post-placement fees: Lastly, we'll finalize the adoption in the US, and also complete a series of post-placement visits with our social worker, which are required after most adoptions. 
• Other: This is that murky potential of unknowns.What if there is a mistake in one of the process steps, and we have to redo it? What will medical costs look like, when she comes home? Counseling? What else?

All in all, I have to trust that we will make it through this. I don't believe we would have felt the call to do this, if it were not possible, but know that this may mean a couple of extra dose of patience, prayer, and humility as we plan and seek financing support. I recognize that this was probably not the most fun or uplifting read, but I hope that it was informative and shed light on why your support is so greatly needed and appreciated. THANK YOU.

Two Good Notes About International Adoption

Yesterday, J and I met with a therapist who specializes in adoption and trauma counseling in order to complete a basic psychological evaluation required for our dossier.

It was another instance of laying ourselves bare, sharing about our childhood, our relationship, our strengths and weaknesses. This is something I did not realize would be a common occurrence through these initial stages. Justin joked with the therapist that we have become pretty good at this: via our written autobiographies, home study visit, complete stranger's inquiries, etc. I suppose that is true, but it is still odd for me to reflect on the fact that many strangers now know more about me than many of my friends do.

I don't think it's necessary for me to go into the details of the actual appointment, but I did want to share two "a ha" moments that we both had during our conversation. 

1. Our child will come home having experienced things that we will never quite know. This will no doubt impact her in ways not visible to others.
As the therapist put it: When you have a child with a recognizable special need, such as being in a wheelchair, there are some 'societal norms' or typical responses that people tend to display: allowing more space to wheel by, adapting activities to encompass a wheelchair, or even acknowledging with sympathy (For the latter, I am not saying this is an appropriate reaction, at all, but realistically, is sometimes a response to someone with a special need or disability.)

However, our child, upon arriving home, will essentially have her "mind in a wheelchair". 

What does this mean?

Well, we know that our adopted child will likely not behave her "biological age", due to myriad factors. For example, she may not be caught up with typical developmental goals, may not react in ways expected for her "age", etc. We are learning about techniques to support her and to create a healthy environment for attachment, growth, and stability.

However, our a ha came with the therapist's note that because her "special need" (this term appears to be very encompassing in the adoption world) may not be visible to the outside world, outsiders often don't know how to react. Based on her behavior, strangers will make comments that are unnecessary, inappropriate, and not helpful. Friends and family may be confused or concerned. My gut reaction, as a mama-bear, is to snap, "well it's none of their business". And that's true. But it is reality, and all in all, there is no perfect answer or solution--it just is.

2.  We are at a kind of "disadvantage", already raising a biological child.
I'm sure I cocked my head to the right and either furrowed my forehead or raised my left eyebrow when the therapist said this; a knee jerk reaction, when I'd been working so hard to be open to listening and learning, and remaining neutral. 

What she meant by this is that we have come a long way in our last 21 months, raising Eisley. We have read books and sought advice. We have tried many things to support her learning and development, to connect with and engage with her, to redirect and scold her (appropriately), to praise and celebrate her. We have failed and we have succeeded, and we have learned SO MUCH. In some of this, we know what works for Eisley: generally what responses to expect from her, what might work/might not work, and can sometimes safely rely on auto-pilot to get through various parts of the day. We have become parents!

With our adopted child, the parenting we've currently mastered (let's all pause here and laugh at this phrase) will just plain not work in the same ways. I know what you're thinking: "Duh, Jordan. I have two/three/seven/twelve biological kids, and I didn't raise any of them in the exact same way, because they're just plain different people." 
Yes, that is true. 
However, what is also true is that parenting a child from a hard place, a child who has experienced trauma, institutionalized care, malnutrition, etc....well, parenting that child is just different, and we cannot rely on our current library of knowledge from parenting Eisley.  These differences range from how you handle food, physical touch, learning, discipline, sleep...the whole gamut. 
A couple of examples:
One we've heard many times already is that time outs are not a method of discipline that is successful for a child who does not have a secure attachment to their mom and dad yet.
Another example: when developing attachment, baby-wearing is very helpful, and it is a good idea to ask others to refrain from holding and carrying our child for quite some time, in order for us to establish our connection with her: to demonstrate that we are not just another one of a multitude of rotating caregivers, we are mom and dad, and we are here to stay. 

The final note we took away was simply a good reminder: we can read and learn to our heart's content, but we will not know what works until she is with us, until we know her and all her unique and special traits. And we just cannot wait for her to come home.